Staring at the Walls

2003-09-29T20:08:00.000-07:00

Due to various issues, mostly Blogger's lack of RSS feed and my inability to upgrade to GET RSS feed, I'm moving this blog to LiveJournal. You'll be taken to the new page shortly, or you can click here to be taken there immediately. It'll probably take me a few days to get the template recreated over there, but other than that, things should pretty much business as usual.

If you link to this page, please update address the link points to.

Sorry for any inconvenience.<meta http-equiv="REFRESH" content="10; URL=http://allichaton.livejournal.com">

2003-09-28T22:36:00.000-07:00

For some reason, the epitome of eloquence that I can muster right now is "I am hungry." I guess three hours of painting picture frames and singing along under my breath to karaoke is pretty draining.

By the time the big group had shrunken down to about thirty or forty people, I was wishing I had my music with me so I could sing along with one of the songs I know well. I'm not too sure how they would have taken the kind of music I like to listen to, though...

*shrugs*

Maybe I'll practice a lot one on of mine and Erik's songs. I could probably do "Hanging by a Moment" pretty decently...or "Colorful"...hmm...

This was the Not-Your-Old-Fashioned Coffeehouse, and it's a bi-weekly event, so I've got a couple weeks to plan and practice. Don't know where I'll be able to find somewhere to practice that I won't have to worry about being overheard, though...

Gods, I've barely been at college a week, and it's already purging me of my wallflower tendencies... :p

2003-09-28T08:10:00.000-07:00

Gotta love Uno at two in the morning. . .

Got dragged into an Uno game (ah the hell with it. I went in willingly. *grin*) at two this morning. We three games, lasting until about 3:00. The third game...oh man. We were going to call it quits after the second, but a couple of us said "Oh, just one more quick game, then we'll go to bed." So, we deal another round.

Quick game...ha...this game lasted about the length of both of the first games combined. Monica was starting to fall asleep on the table, we've all got so many cards we can barely hold them. FINALLY Monica calls Uno...and everyone shouts "No one give her a Draw Two or a Draw Four!" So the turns go around the table, it gets back to Monica, and she has to draw cards. Everyone groans. Luckily, the first card she draws is a wild. She puts it down and says "Green." Everyone says "KEEP IT ON GREEN!!!" We play around the tabel, it's pretty easy to keep it on green since we've all got about twenty cards each, and it gets to Diana, who's the last person before Monica. She says, "But I don't have any green cards!"

So everyone throws their green cards at her. "HERE!" :p Very fun. Wasn't tired once the game was over, so I came back to my room and wrote for about an hour before heading to bed. It was fun night. :)

2003-09-27T21:13:00.000-07:00

Had the CRAZIEST conversation on my way back from the kitchen tonight. I had made a cup of tea in the microwave, and ran into Mike and another girl from our dorm on the way back. The ensuing conversation:

"What'cha make?"
"Tea."
"Ahh. Cool." *pause. We walk back to the dorm.* "So, what's the tea for."
"Um. Drinking."
"Well, I figured that."
*shrugs* "Because I like tea."
"Ah. I don't like tea. Tea's bad for you."
"Uh, pardon me?"
"Yeah, it's bad for you. Like vegetables."
*from the other girl walking with us* "It's all about broccoli, man."
"No way, it's all about FRUIT. Green stuffs BAD for you. Like tea."
*me* "But it's got caffeine in it."
"It does??"
"Yeah."
"I thought tea didn't have caffeine."
"Hell yeah, it does. Most tea has caffeine in it, unless it's herbal, or decaffeinated."
"Man. That's what PEPSI's for. You want caffeine, just go get a PEPSI."
"But it doesn't cost me a dollar twenty five for a glass of tea..."

And then, as I'm waiting for my tea to steep, there's a knock on the suite door. I go and open it, it's one of my suitemates. She's locked herself out. Normally, you're allowed to get a temporary room key three times per quarter before they start charging you, except it's after office hours, which means it's a $20.00 fee. I offered to let her use Shubhra's bed, since Shubhra's spending the weekend with her sister, and she can get the temp key in the morning once the office is open, when it's free. So, I've got a temporary roommate tonight. :P

2003-09-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

Shared Thoughts #5

I am Mitsu Bachi, Alli's cat and the resident Queen of this household. I have been Alli's cat since I was a little kitten. I kind of like her, but I have to play aloof, or she might get the wrong idea. Cats have to have their alone time to preen and nap, you know. Humans have no concept of when it is inappropriate to interrupt a cat.

I do like her, though. Now that Fat Jack the Intruder has found her own home, Alli's door is open at night again. She likes to bring me in her room when she goes to bed at night. I tolerate it, because I know she's just trying to show that she loves me. But I show my disapproval of her methods by crouching in the corner and glaring at her until she falls asleep.

Once she's asleep, though, I usually climb up on her rear or curl up against her back. I'm a social creature. I like the company, even if I can't let my human know that.

Things were getting weird lately, though. Alli started rearranging her things. All of the fun, small pieces of clutter she had around her room disappeared. I didn't have anything to play with anymore. This made me very insecure, so I started spending more time with Alli. She likes to sit on the couch with her laptop, so I join her and curl up by her hip. Occasionally I walk across her keyboard, or if I'm not feeling talkative, just thwap it with my tail. I like to make my presence known to the other humans she talks to on the computer. She likes to share my pictures with them, and they like to aww over me and scritch me. I like scritches.

Alli disappeared recently. I haven't been able to find her, and I miss her company while I sleep. I still sleep curled up on her bed sometimes, thinking she's just acting like a cat and staying up until morning on her computer. Maybe when she comes back, I won't glare at her quite so much when she picks me up and curls me up on her lap. I'd really rather not have to start from scratch training her little sister.

2003-09-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

Today's totaly cool compliment:

"People are weird. Like you."

Said to me by Dylan, Resident Comedian, who I accompanied down to the bookstore because I didn't really have anything better to do. He's a riot. :) And he gave me his recepit! *sniffles* I'm so touched...

2003-09-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

Nerdslut

What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hahahahaha! Wallflower charms, no kidding! Gods, I think this has me down to a T! :p

It was actually a *close* tie--one question--between this and "Innocent", which talks about being wide-eyed and innocent...or at least appearing that way. "You may be fooling all of us." *grin* Yeah, that too...I only ACT innocent. For those of you who know me...bwahaha, guttermind central. :p

2003-09-25T14:37:00.000-07:00

I Have Found Heaven, And It Is Called The UCI Main Library.

Seriously. I went down to the main library today to activate my library card. First off, this thing is bloody HUGE. Like, five or six or more stories. I was in heavan already. And THEN I started reading the rules and things.

Most libraries, you can check out books for a week or two. At the UCI library, you check them out for twenty-eight days!!! :o

Most libraries, you have a limit on the number of books you can check out. At the UCI library, at least for UCI students, there is no limit. I could check out the whole bloody library if the mood struck me. I don't know where I'd store all the books in this little dorm room, but I could check 'em out.

*swoons*

2003-09-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

Wow...a virgin in the second level of hell? *falls on the floor laughing*

2003-09-24T10:40:00.000-07:00

Well, I spent most of this morning using the excuse of changing my blog template to procrastinate on writing... ;) Anyways, I'm very happy with this template. Much more me than the *shudder, gasp, ick* pastels I had before. It's goth! Purries! :D *boings*

2003-09-23T19:01:00.000-07:00

Whew. Busy day today--or at least the afternoon. Headed out with a bunch of friends around noon for lunch, got back just in time for the hall meeting that gathered everyone up to head across campus to the program "Unspeakable Acts", about sexual assault. Very intense. Wow. After that, we went out to the Plelennor Fields (? Something like that. Tolkein buffs are gonna kill me if I slaughtered that, I'm sure... :P) for the Battle of the Clusters. Basically, the halls in Middle Earth are arranged into different "clusters", each with their own theme. My hall, Shadowfax, is part of the academic cluster, and our cluster color is red. So, everyone dressed up in their cluster color and went out to the fields, and there was a spirit competition where each cluster recited their cluster chant (We won *grin*), then a weird game where you have a rope laid out splitting the field into two, members from one cluster on one side, members from another cluster on the other, and a whole bunch of small whiffle-ball looking things on the ground. The point of the game is to get as many of the balls as possible onto the other team's half of the field. (We lost). Then there was crab soccer, where you run around on the field doing the crab walk and kicking a huuuuge beach ball around. (We won--and we also killed the first ball. Completely punctured and deflated it. :p) Then was some sort of cheering competition for "Gandalf's Stick"--we lost. After that was a competition where your team stands in a line, with a big tub full of water at the front, and a big empty tub at the back, and a small bucket punctured with holes is used to scoop up water, then is passed over the heads of the people in line, and finally whatever's left is dumped into the empty tub at the end. This is repeated until the tub is full. (We won. :) ) After that points were tallied, and A-Team won overall. Yayyyyyy!!! :D

Came back just long enough to drop stuff off and for those who had decorated themselves in red face paint to (attempt to) wash it off. My roommate had streaks of it above her cheeks, a bit like you see football players do, and the poor girl got a tan while we were out there...so now she has pale streaks across her cheeks. She's been using foundation to cover it up.

After that we headed out to dinner--tried the Brandywine Commons, since none of us had been there yet. Food's just as good as Pippin, but the selection isn't as varied. Met Eric there (aerospace engineer I danced with at the Dance With M.E. thing I blogged about earlier) and he hung out with us. There were about 13 of us total--had to push *three* tables together. :p

And now I'm back and have dropped my freshman seminar class and enrolled in the Interpersonal Relationships class that's being held in Middle Earth. I'll have to return the book for the freshman seminar tomorrow. I sure am getting my exercise for the week in... Yeesh!

2003-09-23T08:37:00.000-07:00

Monday, 9/22/03, 7:30 pm

It feels like I spent all of today walking. Back and forth, back and forth...I now know the path from Shadowfax to the Student Center very, very well. I bought my textbooxs for this quarter today. $320, and I've still got one left that I didn't realize I needed.

And I've learned some things, even in just the two days that I've been here. First is that all it takes to turn Quiet, Shy, Wallflower-Me into an extrovert is the mention of the words "Swing dancing" within my hearing. I spent two hours last night swing dancing with a very nice guy who also happens to be an SFF writer. He's also majoring in aerospace engineering. o_O And he thought my double major in anthropology and classical civilizations was impressive!

Which segues into my next two revelations. 2) The much more common, far more socially acceptable version of "What's your sign?" in college is "What's your major?". 3) It doesn't matter who it is. If you tell them you're double majoring in anthropology and classical civilizations, their reaction is either going to be "Woooooooow..." or "Daaaaaaaang!"

4) The infamous Freshman Fifteen is not caused by sitting on your bed studying all day--if you try to tell this to me after I just spent the day walking back and forth and back and forth across campus, I'm going to laugh in your face. It's caused by unlimited choices in the dining hall, and an unlimited supply of whatever you do choose. I ate about twice as much as I usually do for dinner tonight, simply because it all looked so good. (And, to all you skeptics out there, I'll have you know that the food in the Commons is verrrry good. :p)

So far, I really, really like dorm life. I'd never be considered an extrovert, by any stretch of the imagination, but I really like having a bunch of people all living together, connected by something in common. I don't know about the rest of the dorm, but our suite (a hall connecting a bathroom with five double rooms and one triple) tends to have an open door policy. 95% of the time, if people are awake and in their rooms, they've got their doors open. I like having friends be able to just stick their heads in and say hi, invite me to lunch, etc. I like the sense of community, especially in relation to how huge the school is. It makes it less intimidating, and I don't feel like an ant in an anthill, lost among the thousands of other students wandering around. This is a lot how I imagine a writing community would be like, so I'm really enjoying it.

That's all for now. I'm writing this at 7:30 on Monday night, but I'm going to have to post it later--I'm having major internet connection issues.

2003-09-20T20:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm here in Irvine. :) Just moved in today. Room's a mess, but most of my stuff's unpacked, so most of the mess is just empty boxes that I haven't yet figured out what to do with. Need to do some snooping around the hall and around the campus in the coming week, before classes start and I find myself inundated with work. Other than that, I'm pretty much just hanging out on the computer, chatting with my friends. Not much different in that aspect. Just have a second bed in my room. :p (My roommate isn't here tonight, she went back with her parents to their hotel. Got the room to myself tonight--I'm not complaining. :))

2003-08-03T11:13:00.000-07:00

Up to Here

I've kept silent about this for a while, but the shit hit the fan on my writing community, and I've seen it coming for a while.

The hostess, Holly, demoted several moderators all at once, due to various reasons mostly centering on inactivity. One of them, my close friend Shay, responded by posting the resignation letter he would have posted on the mod board had Holly not gotten to it first.

Within two minutes of Shay posting his resignation, Holly had deleted it and banned him from the site. He dared to share his disagreement with how the site was run, and some of the policies and actions that had taken place recently.

One of those incidents involved one of my very best friends, Nonny, in which she was called a liar because she had chosen not to reveal her age, for fear of being treated differently. She never lied about her age. She never used her omission to gain privileges she otherwise wouldn't have had. As soon as she turned 18, she told Holly the truth. Holly said it was fine. Months later, Holly blew up about it. This resulted in Nonny being de-modded, and banned from both the site and the community chat, although luckily other mods were able to convince Holly to lift the bans. Since then I have seen nothing but personal attacks against Nonny, including an email in which Holly accused her of lying, because of a difference of beliefs.

So now anyone who doesn't believe what Holly believes is a liar. Nice.

After banning Shay from the site, Holly confronted him in public chat (transcript can be found here). During the ensuing discussion, Shay repeatedly mentioned that he had broken no site rules. This was ignored, until Holly finally responded, saying, in essence, that he was right. He had broken no site rules--he had done nothing that had been stated to be wrong. Holly just felt insulted, therefore she banned him. Poor baby, her ego was bruised.

Shay was also chastised for pulicly outing Nonny's age to the community, in spite of the fact that Nonny gave him full permission. I know this as well--I was in AIM chat with both of them when he asked her if he could mention it, and she said it wasn't a problem. People can't seem to bend their minds around that, either. Nonny's been patronized about it--"I'm glad you're able to forgive him for revealing your secret..." Since apparently both Nonny and Shay attesting to this isn't enough to convince them, let me state it here again. There was nothing to forgive. There was no breach of trust.

The community, one I love very much, has errupted in the aftermath. Several of the other moderators have posted supporting Holly, insisting that she was justified in removing his mod status. Apparently they haven't realized that that's not the reason Shay was upset. He didn't care that she had removed his mod status--he was planning on resigning anyway. I know this. I'd listened to him talking about it for over a week in AIM chat.

I've been semi-involved, at least peripherally, in much of the problems that have brought about this explosion. At this point, I'm going to have to out myself on something very sensitive to me, but right now it's more important to me to voice my fury over how this and other issues have been handled. I write erotica. I enjoy it, and find the genre a challenging and fulfilling one. Several months ago, Holly started a "Story-A-Day" challenge, in which participants used a story idea generator to generate one idea for a story every day, and then write a story using that prompt. Nonny inquired as to where she should post any erotica that she wrote for it, and it was suggested that she just post it to the community erotica board and link to it from the challenge thread. I was at the time and still am a minor--I'll be turning 18 this November--but had been dipping my toes into the erotica genre, so I asked what minors should do with their erotica stories. Holly flipped, and responded saying that the site did not and does not support or condone writing of erotica by underage children.

Wonderful. Now she's trying to tell me what I can and can't write. So much for free speech.

Now, I'm not upset that she doesn't want me posting my erotica to the site. It's a legal issue for her. I would have been more than willing to post my stories somewhere off-site, and then link to them. Or not, if that's what she wanted. It was the "You've done a bad, bad thing, little girl" attitude that pissed me off, and still does. I don't give a damn if she doesn't want me posting erotica on her site because of liability issues. I give a damn that she insinuated that I shouldn't be writing it at all.

Newsflash for all of you out there who thing that anyone under the age of eighteen is delicate and innocent and needs to be protected. I've been reading romance novels with explicit sex scenes since I was twelve. I've got a guttermind, and I love it, and I gained it without going out and having sex with every man I meet, thank you very much. You don't have to have had sex to be sexual, or a guttermind, or an erotica writer. Hormones, guys. Teenagers have 'em, in abundance. And if you ask me, writing erotica is a damn better way of dealing with those hormones than running off and getting yourself pregnant at 14.

But back to the explosion. Later yesterday, a moderator was told that Shay, and several others, were secretly planning a new writing community. They were accused of trying to "steal" members from FM to Evolution. This is absolutely untrue. I know this for a fact--I've been included on much of the planning of the new community. Evolution was never intended to "steal" members from any community. No one brought the idea into play until Holly and the moderators who agree with her. Evolution had always been planned as a branched off community, not a splinter community. Nonny posted a response to these accusations, very calmly and clearly explaining that we were not and are not planning to steal people from the community. We planned in AIM chat, rather than the community chat, because we wanted privacy, and there were a few delicate matters that members involved didn't wish to be handled in a chat that we knew was being logged. That's not secrecy--that's privacy. For her post, this friend was essentially told that if she ever showed her face in the community again, she would be banned. There was no reason for this action. She did nothing wrong. Unless defending yourself against unfair accusations is sudden against the site rules, as well?

This has been bothering me deeply since I read the originating posts, especially how Nonny has been dealt with. I couldn't put my finger on it, until I read this commentary by another community member, in which he says:

"the impression I got when they started talking to me (several days ago) is that they were brassed off about things (which we won't talk about) and were approaching it quietly because:

"The one thing which they were trying NOT to do was to break the community."

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. THANK YOU. That's it exactly. I didn't realize how deeply this had affected me until I read this, and wanted nothing more than to rest my head on the desk and cry. Someone gets it. This community has been a huge part of my life since I was 13, for almost five years. I have met many wonderful people and made many good friends. I met the man I love through this community, and I would never want to break it apart. I know that Nonny feels the same way. But if Holly and the mods at her side are willing to further ostracize a great and wonderful woman because of their persecution complexes, that's fine. Evolution's up and running and we're thrilled to have her.

It's the community's loss.

2003-07-27T07:57:00.000-07:00

Thirteen-hundred impossible words before breakfast

Well, not impossible, but I wrote a bit over a thousand words in forty minutes, and then finished the scene at 1,360 words, and it's not even 8:00 am yet. I woke up at 5:00 this morning. I really miss doing that. I'm such a morning person, I just usually can't get up until after 6:30 unless I want a confrontation with the parentals. By 6:30 they're usually out of the house, but by then, the sun is usually up.

*sigh* I hate the sun. Give me complete darkness 24/7 and I'd be a happy camper. I write better in the dark.

It's easier to stargaze when the sun is down, too. Stargazing 24/7... I like that. :D

2003-07-23T15:45:00.000-07:00

In a spur of the moment conversation in chat today, a friend of mine managed to convince me that going for my second-choice majors at UCI next year was a bad idea. So I'm thinking about majoring in classical civilizations, which just makes me drool every time I read some of the elective courses.

Then I started rethinking my drama major. I was taking that because, in conjunction with arts and humanities, I could get a teaching credential and teach drama. Now, if I'm not doing arts and humanities, then there's really no reason for me to be taking. So I tossed that out. And then I started thinking about anthropology, which I had my eye on a while back. I checked out UCI's anthropology program, and immediately remembered why all those course descriptions made me drool. They're a fantasy writer's dream.

Then I discovered that UCI has a master's of art in elementary and secondary school teaching which, if I'm reading it right, would basically get me a teaching credential in whatever subject I majored in, as well as some graduate study in that subject. Which would be awesome.

So now that's what I'm thinking about doing. I'll have to figure out my requirements and redo my four-year course outline thing that I did for English, but that was pretty fun when I did it, so that's not a problem.

And for some reason, all of a sudden I'm feeling like I'm on a caffeine high. Giddy, bouncy, typing faster than my fingers can handle. All right, who spiked my popcorn?

2003-07-13T22:47:00.000-07:00

Over 2,000 words written today. Tired now. Expect more eloquence in the morning. For now...tired and happy and feeling accomplished.

2003-07-09T21:25:00.000-07:00

Shifting gears
Wow. It's been way too long since I blogged. Sorry, been distracted, then feeling sort of "blah". . .

Anyway. I haven't written anything worth mentioning since before finals week, which was over a month ago. It's frustrating because I want to write, I'm just. . .not. So I was thinking about it today, and I've decided that I'm going to put Kai's Story on a back burner and let it simmer for a bit, and bring the Aztec idea I've been tossing around for a bit up to the forefront. I get excited when I think about working on the Aztec idea, compared to the intense apathy I feel when I think about Kai's Story. I'm thinking it's a plot problem, and I need to figure out rev the plot up, but that's a job for another day. Right now, I'm going to write about Aztecs and human sacrifices and shapeshifters, intrigue and magic and things I probably shouldn't admit to until I'm 18 ;). It'll be fun, and at this point, I need fun a lot more than I need work.

So, good-bye soul-sucking vampires, hello randy human-sacrificing ancient Mexica cultures. *Evil Grin*

2003-06-11T16:30:00.000-07:00

May be scarce

Erik is coming back out for my graduation and staying for another ten days, his plane lands at 10:25 tonight, so I may be scarce for a while. Although I may stop by to make a quick post about any really neat stuff I get for my graduation. ;) Otherwise...see you guys in ten days!

2003-05-31T15:24:00.000-07:00

OneWord

Today's word: galaxy

The galaxy's arms stretched out in long, glittering spikes, twined around the glowing center like the slender arms of a ballerina. A single nova glowed at the galaxy's edge, shining

2003-05-30T17:27:00.000-07:00

OneWord

Today's word: stamp

A tiny stamp sat in the corner of the envelope, monochromatic in tones of blue, unassuming. Its label said it was worth fifteen cents, and though the letter weighed enough that Callie was sure the postage should have been much more than that, it had gotten through the post office just fine and was now

2003-05-28T21:48:00.000-07:00

Discovery

I discovered something new today: OneWord, a site that gives you one word at the beginning of each day, and you have 60 seconds to write about whatever that word conjures up in your mind.

The word is the same for everyone who uses it on the same day, so if you're going to try it today, don't read the rest of this post until after you're done.

Here's mine:

Today's word: spun

The world stretched out before her like the thin trails of spun glass. Threads of magic rose and intertwined, glowing with the power within them, connecting her with each mage in existence. She sent her own power out, touching and acknowledging that of each of the mages, and

Also, I got just over 1000 words written today, as well as plowed through some plotting/outlining/character development/idea generation for my next novel, which will be set in the era of the Aztecs, and should be a ton of fun to write. :)

2003-05-17T16:34:00.000-07:00

Got back from my senior Grad Nite trip to Disneyland yesterday afternoon, after being awake for twenty five hours and then getting only about four hours of sleep on the way back. I went to take a nap at 5:30 last night--and woke up at 6:30 this morning. Grrrr. If I slept that long, I know I needed it, but I still hate it. Sleeping that long makes me all groggy and fuzzy-headed.

Anyway, I bought a couple of cool things while I was down there:

And another thing that I'm not going to post a picture of, because I know Erik reads my blog, and he can't see it until August. ;)

Also, it's not written in stone yet, but it looks like there's an incredibly good possibility that Erik will be able to come out here for my graduation... :D:D:D:D:D *boings around the room like a kitten on speed*

2003-05-12T01:19:00.000-07:00

You are the Low-Fidelity All-Star. You were born
with your cool, and it's totally natural. You
run the gamut from Hipster Supreme (only they
can ingest as much coffee as you) to the geeky
hipster (Mario Kart, anyone?).

What Kind of Hipster Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yes, another one. It's one in the morning, I've been up since 7:00am, and I can't sleep because I stupidly made the mistake of drinking a Pepsi at dinner, so now I'm zinging on caffeine. I needed something to do to kill a couple seconds of the night.

2003-05-11T13:56:00.000-07:00

Insanity

I'm working on my college project for English, in which we have to plan out our four years at college, with all the classes we're going to take, and incorporating the university requirements, the school requirements, and the major/minor requirements. I was doing okay, planning for a double major in medieval studies and classical civilization, until I started putzing around UCI's website, looking at the minors they offer, and stumbled upon the minor in drama.

Yeow. I'm drooling here, big time. They've got classes like "Staging Shakespeare: A seminar in Shakespearean staging practice, both Elizabethan and contemporary. Students prepare a hypothetical production book for an assigned play as it could have been produced at the Globe Theatre in 1610, and a proposal to produce the same play in a contemporary manner today."

Gods, I would kill to take that class. I love Shakespeare. I'm a latent acting fan, too--just can't ever get over my stage-fright and self-consciousness enough for people to realize it.

The problem is with credit hours. With university requirements, school requirements, both major requirements, and the minor requirements, I'm at 300 unit hours. I need 180 to graduate. 300 unit hours in four years is 75 unit hours a year, which is 25 hours a quarter, assuming I don't take any classes over summer. 15 unit hours per quarter is considered a full load. UCI's classes are almost exclusively 4 units each. That's 7 classes every quarter. That's insanity.

And I just redid the math, assuming I do summer time just as full strength as I would the fall, winter, and spring quarters. That's only an average of 18.75 unit hours per quarter.

Yes. I am insane. I can't believe I'm even considering this. But I am. I'm sitting here telling myself "If you do classes on the weekend, that's only one class every day! C'mon, you can do that, easy!"

*curls up in the corner and whimpers* The problem is that I really, really want to. It's hard to ignore the voice and tell it it's full of itself, when you want to hear what it's telling you.

The other option is to ditch the medieval studies major, and go with classical civilization, and the acting minor. I know I'd enjoy acting a lot more than I would the history classes. And I don't want to give up classical civilization. I'm getting excited just reading about the courses offered. Same with the acting. I should go with what impassions me, right?

*sigh*

Actually, the option of dropping out of medieval studies just occurred to me, and it's seeming like a better and better idea. How many more job prospects am I going to get with a medieval studies degree than I would with an acting degree? And how many of those are ones that the classical civilization degree would get me anyway? I don't think there's that much of a difference between medieval studies and classical civilization, as far as employers are concerned, unless it's something specialized. And I could always teach, right? I don't know what sort of degree I would need to get to teach classical history, but I'm sure I could. And acting. I know that high schools have acting classes, and put on acting productions. I'd have to look into what I'd need to get a credential for teaching acting (do they even have those?), but I could do that, too. Gods, that would be FUN.

Mweh. Now I'm having a total crisis over this. The biggest problem with dropping medieval studies is that I put down that's what I was interested in when I applied to UCI, so now that's down as what I will be majoring in. I can change it, but I'm not sure how easy it is.

*sigh*

2003-05-09T12:12:00.000-07:00

You are a romantic writer. You're ALWAYS writing
about some significant other--about lacking
one, about wanting one, about having one, about
being with one--it doesn't matter. If it
involves even a tiny ounce of love, you're
there! Much into the works of Christina
Rossetti and the works of Alfred Tennyson, you
are a bit of a classical writer as well....but,
for the sake of all things cheesy, you're more
of a hopeless romantic than a classical writer.
You write whatever comes to mind--which usually
involves a significant other. ^^; Oh well. If
literary geniuses don't do it, who will, right?

What's YOUR Writing Style?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hehehe. Well, considering I am a romance writer... *G*

2003-05-03T14:15:00.000-07:00

Three, you say?

I got industrious with Photoshop this morning, and started messing around with one of the pictures of me in my prom dress. Added a nice border, etc. Tried to upload it to the sidebar--and one thing after another after another kept messing up. Took me eight filking tries to get that thing right.

Then I suffered from a bout of extreme insanity (as compared to the general insanity that marks my everyday existence), and decided instead of chosing between the two pictures I had, I wanted to use them both, and set it up so that it flipped between them when you rolled over the image. I did a quick search on google, found the code and instructions, and stuck the codes into my blog template.

It worked beautifully. The only problem was that I had set them up opposite from how I wanted it. No problem, I figured. It's simple, just switch dressblog2.jpg with dressblog.jpg in all of the coding, and you'll be fine.

Not so. It stopped flipping between the pictures. So, I tried again. Got the right picture up, but it still wouldn't flip. Tried again, and again, about four times, and couldn't get it to work at all, much less in the right order. So I decided the hell with it, deleted all traces of the code from my blog, and went back to the webpage that I had gotten the code from. Recopied-and-pasted the code into my template. Gave my pictures the same naming system that the code used, and double- and triple-checked as I tried again to change the generic coding into coding that used my pictures.

And it worked. Hot damn. I'm soooo happy with it. Check it out--go roll your mouse over that framed picture of me on the right. If your browser will support the java that performs the action, the picture should change. Keep in mind that these pictures are about 50k each, and every time you mouse-on or mouse-off the picture, it has to reload the new one, so if your connection is slow, it may take you a bit to see the picture.

But it works. Hot damn and hallelujah.

And, on a slightly less jubilant note, I created a new banner for the top of the page. And I uploaded it onto Erik's webspace (thanks, love), which is stable, so it should be there much more regularly than my others have been.

Whew! After all this excitement, now I'm exhausted. Third time's the charm, my ass.

2003-05-02T08:45:00.000-07:00

*cries*

Gods damn, I hate not talking to Erik in the mornings. Four minutes doesn't cut it.

I called him. He said "See you online." So I'm assuming either he accidentally went back to sleep, or he's having cable problems. Either way, I can't fault him. But mewww, I miss him! :(:(:(

*wishes she had his pillowcase with her here at school to curl up with*

2003-04-28T22:35:00.000-07:00

Hurry up and wait...

Sent GotG, which has been renamed By Your Side, off to Tor today. E-submission, cover letter, synopsis, and first three chapters, along with a "by the way" sort of pitch for Face the Storm and Kai's Story (which needs to be renamed as well...and finished...). It's been sent out, it's in Anna Genoese's hands now, and all that's left for me to do is hurry up and wait.

This is the hardest part. Submission takes courage, but waiting for a response takes endurance. And I have no patience.

What I need to do is get myself mired back in Kai's Story, so that I forget about the submission until I get a response. That's the only way to keep my sanity.

Ah well. It's a necessary evil. Gotta get these books published, one way or another. :)

2003-04-28T08:23:00.000-07:00

I hate this. I really, really fucking hate this. Erik's gone. I had him no more than five feet away from my side for over a week, and now he's 2,800 miles away, and there's nothing more tangible than an internet connection connecting us. I'm sitting in chat with him as I type this, and I miss him so much. And there is nothing I can do to get him back. It's a game of hurry up and wait on my part. I can't even be proactive and do anything to get him here sooner. I can do nothing but sit, and wait, and struggle--and fail--not to cry. I can't listen to our songs. I can't look at our pictures. I can't talk to him in IM, and I can't talk to him on the phone without crying. I hate this.

And then I go and get good news like this, and I hate myself even more, because I can't be truly happy for them. Nonny and Robert are two of my best friends, and I know it was incredibly hard for them to wait as long as they had planned. I'm thrilled that they'll be together so soon--but even as I'm thrilled, it's tinged with bitterness. I had Erik, and I lost him, and there's nothing I can do about it. Nonny and Robert get to keep each other. I'm happy for them, they deserve to be together and with each other, but I can't help being jealous as well, and I hate that. I hate all of this. All I want is to be with Erik, and it's the one thing I can't have. I can't even fight for it. I'm a Grover woman; I'm strong, I face my obstacles, and I fight my own battles. But in this battle, I have to sit back and play the meek princess and let my knight fight the dragon for me.

There's a reason I don't write meek helpless princesses locked in towers as my main characters. I don't like them. And I really fucking hate being one.

2003-04-27T15:34:00.000-07:00

Not inspiration, exactly...

I wouldn't call it inspiration, exactly, but I received a beatiful sentiment from a friend today that helped give me strength. Not a lot, but enough. I'm posting it here, so that it'll remain in my mind until I no longer need it.

"Alli, cousin-daughter, it is given to you to endure, to find the strength within yourself, to reach out and take the universe in your hands. This is what blind fate has given you, now it is yours to overcome, to remake what you have been given in your image."

Thank you, Bob, for a little bit of beauty, in an otherwise dreary day.

2003-04-13T11:09:00.000-07:00

GREAT news

I just saw this link on MSNBC: http://www.msnbc.com/news/889604.asp

Seven POWs in Iraq have been released to US Marines--the remaining five from the 507th Maintenance Company, and two Army servicemen captured when their helicopter was shot down by Iraqis.

I am so glad to hear this. It's always wonderful to learn that those you've feared to be dead are alive and safe.

2003-04-05T07:44:00.000-08:00

I wrote 2062 words in an hour this morning.

*faints*

Actually...I don't feel that impressed by it. It's weird. When I did 1,800 in an hour a couple months ago, I felt like I was FLYING. I didn't feel like I was going all that faster than normal this time.

2000 words in an hour is 33 1/3 words per minute. I type about 60 to 80 wpm normally. So 34 is probably a pretty average writing speed for me. I think the difference this time was that I didn't let myself get distracted by anything else. I just wrote straight for that hour, with pauses to post my count in chat every couple minutes.

2003-03-31T07:05:00.000-08:00

Mrowwwwwww

It's a Monday. So far, just about everything that can go wrong this morning, has gone wrong.

Mweh. Can't I just go hide in a hole somewhere until the 18th?

2003-03-13T17:21:00.000-08:00

The true measure of insanity...

...is the lenghts you'll go to to procrastinate on evil, vile pre-calc homework.

Click Here

2003-03-04T19:23:00.000-08:00

Hehehehe.

I am the Siren

A man is often secretly oppressed by the role he has to play - by always having to be responsible, in control, and rational. The Siren is the ultimate male fantasy figure because she offers a total release form the limitations of his life. In her presence, which is always heightened and sexually charged, the male feels transported to a realm of pure pleasure. In a world where women are often too timid to project such an image, learn to take control of the male libido by embodying his fantasy.

Symbol: Water. The song of the Siren is liquid and enticing, and the Siren herself is fluid and ungraspable. Like the sea, the Siren lures you with the promise of infinite adventure and pleasure. Forgetting past and future, men follow her far out to sea, where they drown.

What Type of Seducer are You?
created by polite_society

A siren, huh? *grins and trots off to practice her siren song on her boyfriend* ;)

2003-03-02T14:10:00.000-08:00

Angst, Angst, Angst.

I am TRYING to get my MCs to have a nice, fun, playful scene with each other. Figured it'd be a nice, easy way to blast through a couple thousand words.

Instead, they've decided to get all emotional on me, and it's been angst all the way.

WHY must they always be so damned serious??? Why can't they just take what they have and be happy with it, instead of fretting over this, that, and the other? GRRRRRR!!!!

*stalks off, muttering beneath her breath about swearing off romance and living the rest of her days writing comedy*

2003-03-02T06:44:00.000-08:00

5,411 written yesterday.

4,589 left to write today (provided I did my mental right...).

*pant*pant*pant*

Someone wanna remind me why I thought this was a good idea?

(Ah, ignore my gritching. I'm having a blast, and everyone who talks to me in chat knows it :) )

2003-02-20T22:28:00.000-08:00

2,480 words written today.

Kai's Story is current sitting at 15,005 words. I've managed to keep up the pace of 2.5k/day, and I'm very pleased with myself. It's not easy--but I'm loving it. It's a challenge, and I've always been one for a challenge.

:D:D:D

2003-02-19T22:16:00.000-08:00

WOW

I just wrote 1,800 words, in a bit under an hour.

WOW

This is a record for me. I know it is.

Hot DAMN.

*clashes cutlasses for herself, then staggers off to collapse into a boneless mass*

2003-02-17T22:29:00.000-08:00

7.5k written on Kai's Story, in three days. If I can keep up this pace, I should have Kai's Story finished within 40 days.

What with school and family life intervening, that's probably not very realistc. But still, it'd be pretty damn cool if I could manage it.

2003-02-16T07:55:00.000-08:00

Hot damn, I'm writing again!

:D:D:D:D:D

After far too many weeks of putzing around with my plot for Kai's Story, I figured out how to make everything work (with MUCH help from the guys in the FM chat--thanks a ton!), signed up for the 5k level of the Monthly Marathon, and got over 3k of that written yesterday.

Gods, I've missed writing.

And my MCs great. She's a riot. She's definitely got the sarcastic wit of the woman I based her off of. She's going to be a blast to write.

*does a happy dance*

2003-02-13T06:53:00.000-08:00

Update

My breathing isn't quite so rattley. My throat only feels like someone took a single dagger to it, instead of a dozen. My head still feels like someone swapped my brains for cotton balls, and I've got a nasty headache.

And for the life of me, I can't figure out what happened to make my chest and ribs feel like my cat was using them for a punching bag in the middle of the night. But whatever it is, I'm not pleased. Now it hurts to breathe.

Mewwwwwwww.

2003-02-12T09:18:00.000-08:00

Got the essay finished last night, but I'm staying home sick today, so I emailed it to the teacher.

Bleargh. I hope I'm not getting what Jen has.

*wanders off with her tea and a quilt to go curl up and nap*

2003-02-10T13:31:00.000-08:00

And so, it begins...

I suck. Didn't do a damn thing on the English essay yesterday. So now I'm working on it today.Well, this afternoon, is more accurate. It's 1:30, I'm just getting to work.

Grrrrrrr.

I hate essays.

2003-02-09T08:33:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been a while...

Life's been crazy. That just about sums it all up... and I've got another English essay to write this weekend, this time on A Tale of Two Cities, so I'm not going to able to post any long, profound posts on here for the next few days at least...

I did some character exposition yesterday, and the story's getting all twisty and interesting. I'm a happy girl. *G* Ri has been renamed, she's now Kaiowen, and I'm having less trouble mentally distinguishing her from Dayn now, so that's good. That was driving me nuts.

Hopefully I'll be able to get started writing it soon...

2003-01-19T19:53:00.000-08:00

Had a bit of an epiphany today...

I was ranting to Erik this afternoon about how Dad got upset at me because I didn't help around the house the way he had expected, and ended up giving him a nice long rant about how I wasn't going to let Dad's silly expectations affect my mood. Decided I liked what I'd told Erik, and wanted to keep it somewhere where it wouldn't be lost as soon as I closed the window. So I'm gonna post it here.

***

And now Dad's disappointed with me, too, because he wanted me to help T with stuff around the house, and instead of asking her what I could do, I did whatever I saw needed to be done, and figured that if there was anything else she wanted done, she would do it, and I would see her, and be able to ask her then if she needed help.

I decided he could go the hell ahead and be disappointed in me. I don't give a rat's ass, and I'm not going to spoil my weekend just to make him feel all warm and fuzzy.

And left it at that

I am not dissapointed in me, and I have my own priorities about life and friendship and enjoying yourself and where chores should fall in relation to them, and if they aren't the same as his priorities and he wants to get his pants in a twist about it, he can be my guest. But I'm not going to get myself bent out of shape about it. All I have to do is endure this for eight more months and then I'm free, and I don't ever have to spare him a backwards glance. This is just forced indentured servantry, and that's how I'll treat it, and I am not going to let it rule my life. If he wants to let it rule his, that's his choice, and he's welcome to it.

***

I know my Dad--I know that he had intended, with that sad, disappointed look, to make me feel like scum. But this time, it didn't work. After that, and after my epiphany/rant to Erik, I don't feel anything but empowered.

And damn proud of myself. I've taken control back; Dad and his opinions of me no longer rule my life. And he never will again.

2003-01-19T16:14:00.000-08:00

I Am A: Chaotic Good Elf Bard Ranger

Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.

Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.

Secondary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Deity:
Hanali Cenanil is the Chaotic Good elven goddess of love, beauty, and art. She is also known as the Heart of Gold and Lady Goldheart. Her followers delight in creation and youth, and work to spread happiness, love, and beauty. Their preferred weapon is the dagger.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

2003-01-12T18:34:00.000-08:00

Been going through a wealth of emotions recently. "Happy sigh" became "crap" became "fuck!" became "determination" became "well, when it rains, it pours" became "Hot damn and hallelujah!", and now I'm back to content and happy again.

Life is complicated but, for the moment, it's good.

2003-01-02T07:18:00.000-08:00

Sorry it's been so long for the update. I've been hobbling around on crutches. *rolls her eyes* The verdict is no broken toe, just a joint sprain, which is good, but not great. It still hurts like hell. And this is...my third or fourth day on crutches, so I'm getting to the point where I'm trying to decide whether walking on my foot or chopping both arms off at the shoulder joints would be more painful.

I hate crutches.

And this is going to REALLY suck if I'm not able to walk on this foot by the 6th. My school is huge. And was built with more stairs than the Empire State Building. It is NOT a crutch-friendly school.

2002-12-28T13:35:00.000-08:00

Going to the ER

I was boiling water for hot chocolate this morning, and the kettle started shrieking while I was at the computer. Everyone else in the house was asleep, so I ran to grab it before it woke them up--and slammed my foot into the corner of the couch. That was...oh, five hours ago, it's still throbbing and I can't put any weight on it, so I FINALLY managed to convince Mom to take me to get it looked at.

Gods, I hope it's not broken. But whatever I did to it, I just want to KNOW.

2002-12-23T16:29:00.000-08:00

I am trying so hard not to get depressed. My plotting snag got me so far behind that I now need to write over 2000 words/day in order to get to my goal by the 31st. I KNOW I printed out the plotting and outlining I did of my next three scenes and brought it over here, but I can't find it ANYWHERE. Gallery Serpentine has moved to a new site (http://www.galleryserpentine.com), and now the page that had the dress that I wanted, Tops and Dresses, is no longer listed in the contents. I emailed the lady who owns it and asked if it was still available, and if not when it might be available again, but I'm not holding my breath. And, I talked to Mom, and she basically said 'no' to skydiving. She doesn't want me to go skydiving without her, because if something happens to me she wants to be there, and there's no way she's going to let me go to Erik's on my own. Which are valid concerns, I know, but she's being so closed about it. She won't even consider it. And she keeps bringing up Pennsic as a sort of "Isn't this enough for you?" kind of thing, which I don't think is fair.

All in all, one thing after anothing has happened today, and I'm just so pissed about it all. I'm trying very hard not get let myself get depressed, but it's not working very well.

Aaauuugghh!!!!

2002-12-22T17:59:00.000-08:00

Determination:

Looking at goth clothes sites the other day led me to run into this site, which is based in Australia, and so the prices are wonderful. I've fallen in love with this dress (the first one), and am trying to nag Mom into buying it for me for my senior prom. Not sure if I'm going with that burgundy, or black. Anyway, I was talking about it with people in chat, and they talked me into asking a friend of mine from last year, whom I don't see anymore because we don't have any classes together, to go to it with me. *sigh* This is not something I'm used to doing. In spite of my generally outgoing nature online, I tend to be a wallflower in school. But, I've told them to smack me if I chicken out and don't ask him when we get back from winter break, and I give anyone else permission to do the same. The worst he can say is no. I've been telling Bren that for weeks.

*grits her teeth*

2002-12-14T15:03:00.000-08:00

Snippet

Dayn stood near the edge of the drop zone and frowned. She loved the drop zone, and the men in it--but being there was a reminder of what she had had, and what she had lost. Her chest felt tight, constricted. She rubbed her sternum with her fist slowly, then turned to Braen. "Why are we here?"

"To fly."

"You mean. . ." She blinked, then frowned again. "I thought you were being metaphorical."

He laughed. "No."

"But. . ." She looked back across the field. She could just see the end of the hangar, jutting out beyond a row of trees. She thought she could make out the cheerful laughter and bantering of the Jumpers within it, but suspected that that was just her imagination playing tricks with her. "I have no reason to be here," she whispered. "It's just an excuse. To see him. They'll know. I have no reason--"

"Of course you do." Braen slid his arm through hers and grinned up at her. "Your darling little brother, whom you love dearly and would do anything for, has decided he wants to get himself killed, and has taken an interest in Jumping. You're showing him around. And if you happen to bump into Captain Naradson while here...and you happen to get separated from me and end up in a secluded corner with him for an hour or two...well, that's just coincidence, pure and simple."

She laughed, even as love for her brother swelled within her. "Thank you, Braen." She squeezed his hand. "Well. Let's go show you around."

The noise within the hangar crashed into them as soon as she pushed the door open. Loud, boisterous, happy. She grinned and stepped inside, then turned to Braen. She pointed out the Jumpers she knew, and the others she'd been introduced to but couldn't remember their names, and made suggestions as to the ones she thought he would get along with.

"I see another Jumper you know," Braen said softly, interrupting her description of the youngest Jumper, who was so similar in personality to Braen that she knew they would get along famously.

She frowned. "No, I've pointed out all the ones I--" She trailed off when he gently turned her and pointed to the Jumper who sat alone on the ledge along the back wall, segregated from the rest of the men. "Oh."

Braen smiled and pushed her gently towards him. "Go."

"You don't mind?"

He smiled. "Coincidence, pure and simple." His grin slowly faded, leaving his expression solemn and serious. He studied her for a moment, hands resting on her shoulder. "Be happy, Dayn." He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. "For as long as this lasts, be happy."

His echo of her promise to Kire, to take what they had for as long as it lasted, caught her breath in her chest. She nodded, and dredged up a tiny smile, then turned and stumbled towards the man she loved.

He looked out over the hangar with an expression bordering on revulsion. She knew the moment he saw her; he started, and stared at her. He stood and took two slow steps forward, never taking his gaze from her, then suddenly jumped to the floor and ran towards her.

Laughter welled within her chest, and spilled from her when he caught her in his arms and spun her. She wrapped her arms about his neck, buried her face in his shoulder, and let the first tendrils of happiness seep back into her heart.

Her heart caught when he sealed his mouth over hers and kissed her. His urgency matched her own, a desperate need to touch and taste and reassure herself that he was truly there with her, in her arms. They stopped spinning; he set her down on her feet, slid his hands up to cup her neck and tilt her head back, giving him better access to her mouth; but her head still spun in dizzy circles.

Her hands moved over him, over his chest, across his shoulders, down the shifting muscles of his back, never still. She never wanted to let him go. She wanted him with her forever, just like this.

She realized she was sobbing, trying to breathe but the gasps kept catching on her sobs. Tears poured down her cheeks. "Oh gods. Oh gods." She clutched him to her and shook against him. "Kire. Oh gods."

He held her just as tightly, arms wrapped around her, his face buried in her hair. He rocked with her, murmuring soft, sweet words that she longed to hear, but couldn't through her cries.

"I'm sorry." She forced herself to take one slow, even breath. She forced her eyes open and looked up at him through the sheen of tears. The breath raveled and turned into something between a sob and a hiccup. "Kire," she said, then repeated it. "Kire." That was all. That was all she needed. Just Kire. Just him.

"Adayn." He breathed it against her temple. "Dayn. Blessed Mother. Why--?"

"I had to see you." She wiped her palms over her wet cheeks. "I had to be with you. I miss you so much. I shouldn't-- I'm sorry-- I shouldn't have--"

"Shh." He gently pressed his thumb against her lip, stilling her words. "I'm glad you came."

She lifted her gaze and looked at him. Emotions simmered in his gaze, hope and joy and the last, fading threads of pain. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." He drew her back to him and rested his forehead against hers. "Gods. I was dying. Every day. Every moment. I need you, more than I should. More than I have a right to. I--"

She waited, breathing shallowly, looking up at him with everything she felt for him brimming within her. He didn't finish. Softly, she prompted, "Yes? You. . .?"

He groaned and shook his head. "I'm glad you came. I needed you to come."

She released a soft sigh. That wasn't what she thought he'd been about to say. She'd thought, maybe, he'd been about to tell her she needed desperately to hear.

She needed to know he felt the same. She had tried to fight it, tried to hide it, but no longer. She couldn't. She didn't have the strength. "I'm a liar," she whispered, and pressed her face against his tunic.

He slid his hands up to her shoulders, back down her arms, a gentle caress. "Why?"

"No obligations. No ties." She squeezed her eyes tightly shut and prayed that what she was about to tell him, what she had to tell him, wouldn't push him away. "I tried. I tried so hard. I'm sorry."

He shook his head slowly. "I'm not following you, Dayn. What do you have to be sorry for?"

She wanted to hide, to wrap herself in as many layers of protection as she could, so that when she told him, if he rejected her, it wouldn't hurt as much. But she couldn't be a coward, not now, not when it was this important. She tilted her head back and looked up at him. "I made you promise to no obligations and ties. I promised the same." She sighed. "I'm a liar."

He slid his palm over her cheek. "Why? What ties have you formed between us, that we haven't already agreed we both wanted?"

"Love," she whispered. Automatically, her gaze dropped, an instinctual barrier between them, in case he pushed her away. She forced herself to look back up at him. "I love you." Three small words, that released an entire dam of emotion. The tears she'd thought she'd conquered returned, pouring from her in a wild torrent. She threw her arms around Kire's neck and held on to him. "Oh gods, Kire, I love you so much. I shouldn't-- I tried not to-- I'm sorry--"

"Sorry?" The word lashed out of him, more fierce than she had expected. It scored her heart like a whip, a single scalding line of pain. She staggered back a step and stared up at him, blinking the tears from her eyes.

He looked furious. The sobs tore from her chest. She should have known. She should have been strong, and kept it to herself. She never should have risked ruining what they had, because she couldn't keep her emotions in check. "Yes. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-- Gods!" She let her head fall back and the tears fall down her cheeks. "Yes. I told you, I lied. This is my problem." She shook her head. "And yes, I'm sorry. So sorry. I'll go." She spun and tried to flee.

He grabbed her arm and spun her back to him. She slammed against him, knocking the air from her lungs, trapping her hands beneath their chests. Kire held her tightly, his fingers digging into the flesh at her waist. She looked up at him. His face was twisted with fury.

"You just told me you love me. There is no way in hell that you are running from me now."

She pushed against him, but her arms had no leverage, pinned as they were. "I shouldn't--I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry. My problem. I won't hold you responsible for my problem. I just. . ." She shook her head. "Gods. I shouldn't have come. I'm sorry." She tried to pull free.

He tightened his grip. "What the hell do you have to be sorry for?" he demanded, shouting.

She stared up at him. "I made you promise. . ." she whispered.

"Forget it. Forget the promises, forget the vows, forget everything. I don't give a damn about our promises. This is just me and you, Dayn. At least respect me enough to be honest with me."

She dropped her gaze. "I don't lie about love."

"No." He made a disgusted sound. "You just feel ashamed about it. And apologize for it. Gods damn it, Dayn!"

His shout slid another knife into her heart, another wound. She slid her eyes closed and begged the gods for him to release her. "I know. I--"

"Don't you dare say you're sorry again!"

Slowly, her eyes opened. Slowly, she raised her gaze to his. "What do you want from me, Kire?" she whispered. Her eyes were dry, but tears made her words thick. "What?" She lifted a trembling hand and smoothed it over the lines of fury that etched his face. "I didn't mean to make you mad. I didn't want you to be mad at me." Her breath started to hitch again. She fought it, but that only increased the strength. "I will apologize for that. I never meant to make you mad."

"No? How did you think I would react, hearing you tell me you love me, and then seeing your tears, watching you flee? Did you think that would please me?"

Realization dawned like a slow sunrise, gradually filling her, sending tiny, potent thrills spiraling up her spine. "This isn't about me loving you," she whispered, stunned.

"No!" He swore, and dragged a hand through his hair, pulling the strands free from their tie. He swore again at that, tried to smooth them back into place, then growled and pulled the tie from his hair and hurled it at the far wall. "This hasn't a damn thing to do with you loving me, and everything to do with your reaction to it!" He plunged his fingers into her hair, fisted them, pulling her hard against him and holding her there, her head wrenched back so she had no choice but to meet the anger in his eyes. "You love me?"

She met his anger, and her own temper flared to match it. "I said I did, didn't I?" She jerked, trying to free herself from his hold. "You're hurting me. Let me go."

He hauled her closer. "That's not an answer. Tell me. If you love me, tell me."

She glared at him. "I love you, you insufferable ass!"

"Then why run? Because of me, because of who I am? Is that why you're ashamed of it, Dayn? Because I'm not worthy of you?"

Shock froze her, and then she slammed her fist against his chest. "You are more than worthy of me! I wouldn't be here if you weren't! That you would suggest that, that you would think it, is insulting. If I'd thought you were below me, I'd never have bedded you in the first place! Damn you, let me go!"

"Then why, Dayn? Why run? If it's not me, then what? Why would you apologize for loving me? Tell me."

"You were angry." She struggled against his hold. "I made you promised. You didn't plan on me falling in love with you when you bedded me. Love between us will only complicate matters more than they already are. That's why I apologized." She stopped fighting and looked up at him. "Kire, I swear by the gods, if you don't let me go--"

"Don't run."

She heaved out a sigh. "Fine."

He slowly relaxed his grip on her. He kept his hands near her, as if he feared she'd break her promise and run again.

She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him. "Anything else?" Anger still snapped within her. She breathed slow and deep, trying to calm herself.

"Yeah." He pulled his hand through his hair, frowning, then met her gaze. He whispered, "I'm a liar, too."

Everything within her went still. She stared at him, too afraid to move, too afraid to speak, too afraid to breathe, in case she'd realize that she had only imagined it. "You are?" she whispered.

He nodded. All of the anger had drained from him, leaving him looking defeated and vulnerable. "Yeah."

"And. . ." She took a step towards him, closing the distance that she'd put between them as soon as he had released her. Her eyes probed his, searching. She licked her lips. ". . .do you?"

He squeezed his eyes shut and nodded. "Yeah." He reached for her, held her. Her arms wrapped around him in return. She shook against him, with shock, and stared past his shoulder, dazed.

"Tell me," she whispered a moment later. She pulled back and turned his face to hers. "Tell me, Kire. I need the words."

"I love you." He took her chin in his hand and drew her to him. He kissed her, softly, sweetly. Pleasure bloomed within her. She returned the slow kiss, brought her own hand up to his cheek, then slowly drew away.

She looked up at him with all of her emotions in her eyes. "Truly? Truly, you love me?"

"Yes. Truly." He fluttered light kisses over the curves of her face. "I don't lie about love."

She laughed. "Good." She pressed her cheek to his and held him, and emotions swamped her. "I can't leave you now," she whispered. She shook her head. "Not now. Not ever. They can't part us." She pulled back and looked into his eyes. "Right? Promise me. They can't part us."

"No." He brushed his thumb over her cheek. "They can't part us, sparrow."

2002-11-30T03:11:00.000-08:00

Passed 50k

:D :D :D

*does a happy dance*

*bounces*

2002-11-12T07:18:00.000-08:00

Having Way Too Much Fun
Here's a snippet from yesterday's writing. It's longish (500 words or so), but gods, I'm loving it! *bounces*

The set up is that Dayn's in a public bath, but she's waited until late in the night to go, because she wanted to be able to have the baths to herself, and as far as she knows, she's the only one there.

***

The soap drifted off of her as she rinsed, pulled by the same gentle, invisible currents that caressed her skin. And then something else brushed against her, firmer, warmer. . .living.

She screamed.

A hard hand covered her mouth; a strong arm wrapped around her stomach. She fought, using nails and elbows and knees against her assailant wherever she could, but he held her fast, and in that position, with her back pressed against his chest, she could reach very little of him.

She tried to gouge him with her nails, but he slid from her grasp like the bar of soap she'd been using just moments before. She tried to kick him, but she might as well have been kicking granite. She tried to take advantage of her wetness and slide from his grasp, but he only held her tighter, and hauled closer to him. His head bent close to her; his hot breath brushed against her neck and the curve of her cheek. "You are alone and defenseless, Princess," he whispered. "What would you do, if I were a common criminal, looking for a quick kill?" He turned her within his arms and held her pressed against him, chest to chest, thigh to thigh. "Or if I were looking for a quick lay, willing or not?"

Once the shock had worn off, she beat her fists against his chest. "Damn you, Kire, let go of me!"

He stood, still holding her, exposing her to the cool air. Goose flesh rose along her arms and down the nape of her neck. He walked with her, moving her backwards, carried her to the edge of the pool and pressed her back against the cold tiles.

He bent towards her; she strained away from him, but he still held her, and now he had her pinned. His lips skimmed her cheekbones. "I could do anything to you, Princess. You can't run. You can't fight."

She struggled to breathe air that was suddenly too thick. "I can scream."

"Yes." He grinned at her through the darkness, savage, almost feral. "But how many people do you think will hear you? Who will come to your rescue? You planned this well, Princess, biding your time until the baths were empty and you could keep your privacy. But you never considered that if no one were around to disturb you, no one would be near to rescue you, either. You never thought of that, did you, Princess?"

"I--" She fought to breathe, to think. "I-- I didn't--"

His hands skimmed down her sides, over her hips. His lips brushed, feather soft, over the curves of her face. "You can't do anything to stop me, Princess. Think about that for a moment."

2002-11-10T07:45:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday To Me!

I am officially 17 today. :) Woohoo!

2002-11-08T16:34:00.000-08:00

As of today, Dayn's Story has a title. :) I was writing at school this morning, and one phrase kind of stuck out to me, even though it's nothing really spectacular. So Dayn's Story is Face the Storm. :) I'm happy with it. We'll see if it still fits once the mss is done, but for now, I'm really happy with it.

2002-11-06T15:58:00.000-08:00

third time's the charm, right?...

2002-11-06T15:57:00.000-08:00

test two...

2002-11-06T15:54:00.000-08:00

testing template changes

2002-11-05T06:38:00.000-08:00

Dayn gave Kire a sweet smile and rested her fingertips on his arm as they were lead into the dining hall and shown to their seats. As the visiting guest of honor, she was given the seat immediately to the right of Janos. Vargan reached for the seat next to her, but Kire stepped in front of him and gave him a bland smile.

"Orders, your Highness. I'm to remain as close to her Majesty as possible, in case of an attempt on her life."

Vargan scowled. If he were a mutt, his hackles would have been raised. Dayn waited, breath pent, for Kire to sit and release the tension.

Kire didn't move.

Dayn swore beneath her breath, then hoped that she hadn't been heard. She loved her mother, but she had inherited her mother's mouth, and it tended to get her into trouble at the worst possible times. She peered around Kire and smiled at Vargan. "Why don't you sit across from me, your Highness? It will be easier to see you and talk with you that way."

Vargan nodded slowly and walked around the end of the long table to the seat directly across from her, keeping his gaze locked on Kire the entire time. Kire took his own seat by Dayn's side, and the two men glared at each other across the porcelain plates and gold chalices.

Dayn sighed. She had visited a menagerie once, and seen huge cats fighting over scraps of venison. She suddenly imagined she knew just how those shreds of meat had felt.

Janos entered once everyone else had taken their seats. Servants followed him, bearing platters full of veal and mutton, roasted vegetables, as well as other dishes Dayn had never encountered back in Nalaen. Bowls filled with vibrant, exotic fruits made their progress around the table; at the far end of the table, a servant offered a plate of what appeared to be parrots, complete with sugared feathers and beaks, to a courtier. Lastly, a huge platter bearing a whole, spit-roasted boar was placed upon the table. It still bore its tusks, marred with dark streaks of scorching, and the smell made Dayn's stomach rumble.

The meal proved to taste even better than it smelled. Dayn would have enjoyed it more if it hadn't been punctuated with Vargan's running commentary about where each dish came from and how it had been prepared.

". . .it takes teams of five men to hunt a boar of this size, and if the majority of the men aren't mauled in the capture, they consider themselves lucky." He slid a bite of meat into his mouth and gestured with his dagger. "It takes all day to roast--less, if you section it before cooking, of course, but then it doesn't look nearly so impressive on the plate."

She toyed with her last scraps of meat and pushed a few of the feathers around on the plate. When Vargan paused in his narration, she mustered a smile for him, and nodded. "Of course not." She decided telling him that it all looked the same once it had been eaten would accomplish nothing more than to force her to sit through a lecture on the importance of aesthetically pleasing food preparation techniques.

Vargan watched her; she suspected he wanted something more from her. She contemplated the cost of encouraging him, then decided it was better to err with too much flattery than too little. She broadened her smile. "That's fascinating."

Kire reached across her and grabbed a plate of sliced fruits. As he brought it back towards him, his elbow knocked against Dayn's chalice. Wine spilled across her plate and splashed up until her face.

Dayn leapt back as the wine spread across the table and dribbled onto the rug beneath her feet. She brushed her hands across her bodice; they came away wet and stained with wine.

Vargan had jumped to his feet and was trying to maneuver his way around the table to her. Kire sat in his seat and watched her. He didn't look the least bit remorseful.

Dayn muttered a disgusted oath that would have shocked the courtiers if they'd heard it from her lips. "Excuse me." She curtsied to Janos, then spun and stalked out of the dining hall.

Footsteps echoed along the corridor, too fast to be her own. She quickened her pace. She didn't know whether it was Vargan or Kire, but whoever it was, she didn't want to get involved with their childish games. If they couldn't leave her out of it, then she would take herself out of it.

And if they tried to drag her back into them, she would make them very familiar with the maneuvers her father had trained her to defend herself with.

She slammed the door to her room behind her as she stalked through. A moment later, she was digging through all the clothes she'd carefully placed in her armoire, too furious to bother with prudence.

A moment after that, her door slammed open again. She spun, hands fisted, teeth bared. "Get the hell out of my room, Kire."

"My orders--"

"Take your orders and shove them in the Eht." She advanced on him and shoved against his shoulder. "I said, get out."

Before she could fight, before she could even breathe, he had grabbed her and spun her around and manipulated her into a position where her arm was wrenched up between her shoulder blades, her head pulled back by the hair, and she was forced up onto the tips of her toes. Pain shot through her shoulder, and when she tried to move, the pain erupted into agony.

His breath brushed her ear. He whispered, "And I said not to start a fight with me, Princess, because you wouldn't win. I never lie."

"I hate to break it to you, Captain, but I'm about to prove you a liar." He had left her right hand free, and that had been his biggest mistake. She grabbed his thumb and wrenched it back. Bones snapped, the same cracking sound of frozen branches breaking under their burden of snow in the deep months of winter.

Kire shouted. Dayn threw him to the floor and pinned him, throwing all of her weight onto the knee she rammed into his groin, and fisting her hand around his throat.

Kire lay motionless and trembling beneath her, and Dayn murmured thanks to her father for having drilled her long enough and hard enough that they both knew she could defend herself in any situation.

2002-11-05T03:32:00.000-08:00

Got a bit over 3k written today, bringing my NaNoWriMo total to just over 10k. If I keep this pace up, I'll have my 50k done by the 20th. :) *clashes cutlasses for herself*

I'm also being a very naughty girl. Mom bought me tea today, so I had a couple glasses...and now it's 3:30 in the morning, and I'm still coasting on a caffeine rush. A certain person who shall remain nameless tried to talk me into just staying up all night, and I was planning on it, but then I decided that explaining to Mom why I'm up before her would be too much of a hassle. Mom gets up at about 4:30, IIRC, so I'm planning on going to bed in about half an hour, 'accidentally' setting my alarm clock for 5 instead of 6, and coming back downstairs and plunging back into the WIP. :) And I think it's going to be necessary to bring several large thermoses full of tea to school tomorrow, so I don't fall asleep in class. That would be a Bad Thing.

I full expect that I'm going to pass out on the couch as soon as I get home, however. :)

2002-10-29T21:22:00.000-08:00

Evil Vile English Essay the V is (relatively) done, and turned out to be not quite so evil, and not quite so vile. I'm still in shock.

It'll be nice if Evil Vile English Essay the VI, which is longer than the ones we've written so far, and is due next Friday, goes as nicely as this one did--but I'm not holding my breath.

2002-10-29T06:51:00.000-08:00

I'm getting bogged down in homework and Evil Vile English Essays. I'll try to post when I come up for air.

2002-10-25T15:45:00.000-07:00

Take the Purrsonality Quiz!

Heh heh. Somehow, this seems fitting.. ;)

2002-10-19T20:57:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. God. The RenFaire was AWESOME. I had a BLAST. I could have just grabbed a soda and pulled up a bench and people-watched forever. Some of the outfits were absolutely stunning, and I had great fun watching different people and trying to image my characters walking around in their clothes.

I also made out like a bandit. Mom bought me a pair of leather sandals, a bodice, a leather tankard holder and, as an early birthday present, a pewter tankard with a totally awesome dragon formed into the handle.

*bounces* God, I cannot WAIT until Pennsic!!!

2002-10-19T08:56:00.000-07:00

Going to the RenFaire today! Yayy! Will be afk most of the day, I think.

2002-10-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

I got the last third or so of Dayn's story plotted today, and it's good. I'm loving it. I am dying to get started on this thing, but I can't until Nov 1st! *wails*

This weekend's gonna be kind of busy for me. Going to the local RenFaire tomorrow, and Sunday afternoon I'm gonna go hang out with an old friend I haven't seen in forever. So...let's see...this weekend's goal is to get at least something more done on Dayn's story. I don't care if it's only one little bullet point in my plotting document, I just want to have some productivity.

And anything more than that is a bonus.

2002-10-16T07:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, it's official. GotG-S is on the backburner, I'm signed up for NaNoWriMo, and I've got about fourteen days to get Dayn's story figured out and plotted.

And all I know is that she's a princess, and I'm gonna give her a skydiving bardic boyfriend. Oh joy.

2002-10-15T18:48:00.000-07:00

Augh. I hate this. I'm having plotting troubles, and trouble coming up with conflict for my scenes, and all of a sudden I'm starting to doubt myself. I like this story, but I don't love it, not like I loved GotG. I don't feel the same energy about it, the bouncey, giddy, God-I-love-this feeling that I did with GotG, and that I'm starting to feel about Dayn's story. *sigh* I am getting so tempted to just throw up my hands, skip this WIP, and go straight to Dayn's story. It's very frustrating.

Maybe I'm just a romance writer at heart, and anything that's not got a large romance element in it doesn't capture me. :(

2002-10-15T16:34:00.000-07:00

Well, you know what they say. The best laid plans are the first casualties of war. I had every intention of printing off my plot notes, I was excited about it...and Jen came before I could even get the docs started printing. :( So there went that idea. I didn't get much of anything done at school, actually. Today was one of my academics-intensive days, which means I don't get much extra in-class time for writing and stuff.

I'm trying to get back into the swing of things now. We'll see how it goes.

2002-10-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

Got a bit over 1k written yesterday, and I just realized this morning that I'm not really sure what's coming next. I've got "they all ride hell-bent-for-leather to Feladotza, and all sorts of nice character conflicts go on among Kayla and Aren's group". Which helps me not at all when I'm trying to figure out what the next scene is. *sigh* I think I'm going to print off all my plotting notes and take 'em with me to school, and see if I can get at least the next couple scenes plotted out.

2002-10-12T13:19:00.000-07:00

Working on Evil Vile English Essay IV: Attack of the Shakespearean Sonnet today. Not happy about it.

2002-10-09T07:02:00.000-07:00

An email from my sister

***

Subject: Sounds Like You

Body:

***

LOL! So true!

2002-10-08T06:50:00.000-07:00

I'm currently working at fighting off a nasty little anxiety attack that's been plaguing me since I gave GotG to Jen yesterday morning. Jen's a VERY harsh commenter (she's not doing a crit, really, more like a running response to the characters and situations in the book), and I absolutely love this book. I'm not worried that she's going to make me feel like the novel isn't as good as I think it is now, it's just that she's my best friend, and I really love this novel, and if she gives me grief about some of the stuff in there, it's going to hurt. She was already starting to give me grief yesterday, about Kayla turning into a "lovesick puppy dog" over Aren. But that's just the first chapter, and believe me, it gets worse.

But anyway, I had a nice little rant about this in chat last night, and my conclusion hasn't changed. I did not write this book for Jen. If she doesn't like it, that's too bad, but I can't please everyone. If my best friend happens to be one of the ones who I can't please, that's a shame, but I'm not going to change my novel for one reader. Not even for my best friend.

2002-10-07T07:28:00.000-07:00

Got over 3k written yesterday. Even with my smallish word count on Satruday, I still reached my 5k goal for the Monthly Marathon. [falls over in a dead faint]

Now it looks like today is going to be a break day. I've got to figure out where Navin is taking Dayn before I can go any further.

Onward!

2002-10-06T11:42:00.000-07:00

I wrote 1,760 words yesterday. Now I've got a bit less than twice that to write today, in order to meet my 5k goal for the Monthly Marathon. I've got a tad over 1k of that done so far, but it's almost noon, and I have a show that I want to watch at nine. So I have nine hours to write two thousand words...why does that sound less difficult than it's proving to be?

2002-10-04T17:17:00.000-07:00

I'm sick. I've got a cold. I can barely breathe, my nose is running like a faucet, and I've got cramps on top of it.

Needless to say, I'm in a foul mood. :( I wish I could just go curl up with a quilt and some ice cream and hibernate for a year or two. *sigh*

2002-10-02T17:09:00.000-07:00

Writing: I started GotG-Sequel today, for real this time. :) No more false starts, gods willing. 250 words into it so far, although I'm planning on continuing and getting some more done, and Kayla's daughter's about to celebrate her second birthday. I still haven't figured out what Kayla and Aren got her, though. What do you get a princess for her birthday?

2002-10-01T20:29:00.000-07:00

Just got back from Weight Watchers. I've lost two pounds this week. Which brings my total up to 30 pounds lost since I started.

2002-09-29T12:54:00.000-07:00

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back: I got today's 1k written pretty early today, and was brainstorming in chat about where the next scene should go, when I mentioned that, since she's eight months pregnant, she's doing an awful lot of waddling. Which prompted the question of why I don't just slide the book forward a couple years, so Kayla's already had the kid, and she's a couple years old at the book's opening. I didn't have an answer and it's a good idea, so I've thrown out (not literally--the file's still sitting on my harddrive) all three thousand words of WIP, and a good deal of plotting as well, and am now starting over. Joy. [grin] But, in any case, I'm liking the idea of Kayla not being pregnant or kidnapped better, so we'll see how it goes.

And this way, I get to torture my villain with a mischeivious toddler. [EG]

2002-09-28T14:12:00.000-07:00

I got the first page of my essay written (it only needs to be two minimum). Now I'm trying to figure out why I'm waffling so much about starting GotG-Sequel. I like this book. I want to write it. But every time I go to, I start thinking about all the things I haven't figured out yet, that I really should develop before I start writing. Argh. This is a PITA. [sigh]

2002-09-28T08:53:00.000-07:00

Evil Vile English Essay, the Third: I have yet another English AP essay due on Tuesday. [sigh] I hate essays. I hate them with a fiery passion. They involve analyzing books that I would rather be able to just sit back and enjoy, and on top of that, because of my teacher's preferences, they're becoming formulaic hack work. They're a waste of time. Sorry, but analyzing why Northanger Abbey is a coming of age story rather than a romance is not going to do anything for me in my life to come. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. I must've been suffering from a fit of insanity when I decided to sign up for AP. All we do is write essays, and I knew that, dammit.

Could someone please come put me out of my misery?

2002-09-26T20:14:00.000-07:00

Playing the Name Game: I've decided that I really need to come up with a reason for my minor characters to be in this plot, besides "I needed someone to provide a conflict for this thread". 'Cause one that thread's over, then those characters are sitting there twiddling their thumbs with nothing to do. So in order for me to give them more impact, I decided they needed personalities first. And in order to create personalities for them, I really need them to have names.

So. After much anguish in chat this afternoon, I finally have names that I'm content with for my minor characters. K and A's Kid is now Adayn. Lura's Kid is now Ceirin. Exorcist Dude is now Melerik or Melorik. Fundamentalist Religious Dude is now Navyn. Well-Meaning-But-Naive-Bodyguard is now Kial.

And now I've just got to remember who's who. . .

2002-09-25T16:33:00.000-07:00

I've been plotting. And I keep running into walls and plot holes and other things that just sort of bring me to a stop, but I've been enjoying it anyway. That two-week-long reading binge was wonderful, but I really missed messing around with my worlds. :)

2002-09-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother

I started revising GotG Saturday morning, and just finished the last chapter. Had to rush through the last chapter, 'cause Mom decided I had to be in bed by 11:00. [makes faces]

Anyway. I revised that thing in two days. Yeesh. That's QUICK. I kept getting sucked into the darn thing, dying to find out what happenes next, even though I WROTE the darn thing. :) It's a great feeling when that happens.

I'm actually not quite done--I just have to rewrite the last scene, because I changed a major aspect of it--and after that's done, I get to send it off to my beta-readers! :D Yayy!

And now...I'm going to go fall into bed. :)

2002-09-21T12:37:00.000-07:00

I finished revising the first scene of GotG. Ick. I think I added more words than I kept, and it took forever. I hope the rest of this novel doesn't take as long to revise as that scene did, or it's going to take me an eternity to get through it all.

But...on the plus side...I like the scene much better now. :) I was never really happy with it, and I am much more happy about it now.

2002-09-18T17:27:00.000-07:00

The Saga Continues

Once again, I am considering yet another option for once I get into college. Major in something...classics? anthropology? biology?...and once I've got my bachelor's degree, pursue graduate education in medicine. This would all be well and good--and probably make my dad ecstatic--except that I can't figure out whether this sudden medical interest is legitimate, or merely an after-effect of being immersed in the world and stories of Cherijo for nearly two weeks on end.

I'm certain that the sudden interest was brought about by Cherijo. The question is whether the interest will remain once I've finished the books, or if it's just a fad, and will fade as soon as I'm not living and breathing with her 24/7.

Hmm...Dr. Starkweather... Dammit. It's got a nice ring to it.

2002-09-18T07:16:00.000-07:00

Got my first English AP essay back yesterday. Got a 76%. Needless to say, I'm NOT thrilled. I hate writing these damned essays, but I don't have a choice, so I'm gonna suck it up and figure out how to write to this "market" so that I'll get the grades I want. I'll hate every minute of it, but so be it.

I also turned in my If on a winter's night a traveler essay yesterday, so I didn't have the benefit of my new knowledge to help me write how Mr. Vanek thinks I should, so we'll see what sort of grade I get on that. [sigh]

2002-09-16T07:29:00.000-07:00

Dropping in to let everyone know I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. :) Been working on English AP homework, and plowing through the StarDoc books, and that hasn't left me much time or energy to get on the comp and compose updates. I've got two books left, then I'll be around more often.

Oh, and btw...if you have even the vaguest interest in science fiction...or medicine...or sarcastic characters who make you laugh so hard your sides ache...check out the StarDoc books by S.L. Viehl. There's five of 'em out so far, in order: StarDoc, Beyond Varallan, Endurance, Shockball, and Eternity Row. They are absolutely wonderful. Mind-boggling. I'm in awe. Just a note, though--if you get the first, make sure you either get the other four at the same time, or can get them on short notice. They're addictive. [G]

2002-09-13T22:43:00.000-07:00

Don't have time to make a long, informative post. Suffice it to say that AP is starting to bear down on me, and family life is as well at the same time, and I'm really wishing I could just ditch both and go write in a hole somewhere for a year or two.

2002-09-09T06:55:00.000-07:00

T rocks. T's totally cool. She gave D and I both $85 shopping sprees for helping out with the house last weekend, and I made out like a bandit. :D I got Memory of Fire, all five Stardoc books, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Irish History and Culture, and Gladiatrix.

[grins and bounces around the room, like she has been all weekend]

2002-09-03T17:57:00.000-07:00

First day of school...

It was totally boring for the most part, but I did get one bit of awesome news, though. I got to school an hour early, 'cause my ride has a zero-period class but I don't, so I wandered around for a bit, and then I dropped by the class of my ceramics teacher from last year. I told her that they hadn't given me Ceramics 3 or 4, even though I'd signed up for 'em. She said "Well, we'll change that", then realized that her ceramics 3 and 4 class is only offered during the same period as my English AP class, which is only offered that period as well. Bad news.

But then she realized that she had a beginning ceramics class the same period that they had stuck me in acting. So she's going to email Mr. Bergerhouse and get the code that she needs to put me on independent study in her class that period.

Yayyy!!!! I'm so happy!!! I was so bummed at the prospect of not having ceramics!!!

2002-09-02T19:45:00.000-07:00

All in all, this weekend wasn't as horrible as I had managed to convince myself it would be on Friday night. There was only one major catastrophe, but it was a doozy.

Everything was just fine until we got to T's house late Saturday morning. Dad and I were waiting for T and D to get there, and I set Ciera down, but Dad said it wasn't a good place for her to be barefoot, so I picked her back up and carried her for a while. but she weighs a ton, so I eventually decided to take her back to the RV and find shoes for her. In the process of searching for shoes, I realized that I had somehow gotten sticky black gunk--apparently it's roofing tar--all over my thighs and shorts. I went into the bathroom to try and wash it off, and left Ciera to walk around, 'cause all the doors were closed, so she was safe. The stupid stuff was a pain in the ass to get off, and I didn't have much luck with it.

A couple minutes later D and T came into the RV, and I came out to say hi. T noticed all the junk on my legs and shorts--and then she noticed all the gunk on the carpet. She took Ciera, and that's when we realized that Ciera had that gunk all over her feet. She took Ciera off to do something--I don't remember what, possibly to try to find where she had picked it up.

And then Dad came.

I was still in the bathrom trying to clean myself up. He spent about five minutes shouting abut what a huge fuck-up that was--that it was a two thusand dollar fuck-up. He then told me to get the hell out of the bathroom and try to clean up the mess. I did--D and I used rag towels and water and diswashing soap to scrub the carpet while Dad scrubbed at the upholstery on the driver's-seat chair and T cleaned Ciera up in the bathroom. Dad cntinued to yell about what a fuck-up it was, and generally make me feel like a horrible person.

I eventually had to take off my glasses because tears kept falling on them and made it impossible to see what I was doing.

After Dad left, T told me that it was okay, we could replace the carpeting and get the seats reupholstered, and it wasn't my fault. Thanks, but I wasn't crying out of remorse or because I felt I was to blame. I was crying because my father placed the cleanliness of a carpet above the emotions of his daughter, and made me feel like a slimy, worthless waste of skin. He never flat out said it, but actions speak louder than words, and his actions screamed it.

Later, probably about an hour and a half later, as he was telling me what he wanted me to get out of the RV for him, he put his arm around my shoulders and said "It's okay, by the way."

Gee. Thanks, but I'm not sobbing anymore.

2002-08-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

The world looks bright when things fall into place...

Had an impromptu brainstorm in chat today about the plot for the sequel to GotG, and with the help of Suzi and Eliste and Laura (and everyone else who was in chat and who I'm forgetting), figuring out the basics of it. It started out kind of rough, but once the pieces started fitting together, man, it flew! I'm so happy! I'm really excited about this now, it has the potential to be totally awesome. Thank you everyone!!!!

And as an aside, it looks like this is definitely gonna be a trilogy. [grin] First book is boy meets girl with Kayla and Aren, second book is girl and book chase after baby, third book is, possibly, boy meets girl with the kid as the MC. Either way, the third book is almost definitely going to be the kid's story.

Yayy!

[bounces off the walls]

2002-08-28T16:45:00.000-07:00

Eventually, these characters are going to learn to keep their mouths shut...

I was whining in chat about how I wouldn't mind having the urge to write a sequel to GotG, if I at least had an idea for the plot, because then it would be able to percolate in the back of my mind and wouldn't be driving me nuts like this. Kayla's been throwing out suggestions, but they won't work. As Robert said "Kayla's a new mommie, she can't go exploring uncharted jungles, she's Queen". So they asked "What would happen if the kid was kidnapped?" and a plot was born. :) Kayla's not pleased, but that's too damn bad. She asked for it. [eg]

And I've had a chance to watch Ciera growing up, so I have a great reference for how the kid might act/develop. I'm not sure whether I want Kayla to be a new new mommie, or if the kid's about a year old, but I'll figure that out later. I'm happy. :)

But, of course, there's always a downside. [sigh] I really love Kayla and Aren. They were my first characters, and now that I'm faced with the choice of "write their sequel" or "write Ahoy Matey", I'd much rather write their sequel. [mutter, grumble] But I'm afraid if I do, I'll just keep putting Ahoy Matey of further and further, and never get it written.

But if I'm not writing the story that I'm passionate about and that I long to write, that's gonna come through in the other story, and it'll suffer for it. [vhs] And I think Ahoy Matey needs to percolate some more. It's still not gelling for me, and every time I try to work on it, I just end up confusing and overwhelming myself.

I didn't really think about other WIPs while writing GotG at all, so maybe what I should do is work on the sequel at a slower pace (like 1k/day through the whole thing, instead of the 2k/day I did for the first 3/4 of GotG), and allow myself the freedom to muse on Ahoy Matey if the urge strikes.

And if I do decide to do this. . .Ahoy Matey will definitely be up next after the sequel.

Except now Kayla's starting to talk about making this a trilogy. . .

[wails]

2002-08-28T13:59:00.000-07:00

I am a STORY TELLER

I am a natural story teller, and tales unfold in my mind almost without thought. I can entertain myself by reading a book that exists only in my head, which might make me seem distant from people at times.

2002-08-28T10:58:00.000-07:00

This is driving me nuts. I'm glad that I'm finished with GotG, but now that I am, I don't have anything to do. I just sit here in chat all day, thunking my head against the desk because I want to write but I can't. I want to read over some of my favorite parts in GotG, too, but I have been forbidden to touch the MS for at least a week. [sigh]

I could work on Ahoy Matey again, and I'd like to. But I know myself, and I know that I'm lazy, and if I start writing, I'll keep putting the rewrite of GotG off, because writing is more comfortable than rewriting. I'm more comfortable with my writing skills than I am my rewriting ones. So I know, if I start Ahoy Matey, it could be months and months until I finally get around to revising GotG. And I don't want it to take that long. But if I'm not working on Ahoy Matey, what am I supposed to do for a week or a month or longer, until I've distanced myself from GotG enough that I can start the rewrite? Short stories has been suggested, but I'm not a big short story writer. I generally don't write them unless inspiration strikes and I am gripped with an idea that won't let me rest until I write it.

Gerri suggested I start work on a sequel. [mutter, grumble] That's got the same problems that working on Ahoy Matey does, as well as the fact that I have too many ideas sitting on a back burner as it is. I don't need another one, darn it!

It doesn't help that she planted the idea in Kayla's head, so now Kayla's sitting there in the back of my mind, grinning mischeiviously at me, and throwing out plot suggestions for the sequel. But none of them are really plausible, they're just things that she thinks would be fun. And I'm desperate, so I'm trying to come up with plot ideas that would work, but I just keep coming up with a blank. I remember reading about this, about why series characters usually aren't in high-ranking positions, because it limits them to what they can do. The commander of a cavalry unit has much more freedom and maneuverability than a king or queen. And--surprise, surprise--my characters are king and queen. So how in hell am I supposed to get them out doing stuff, when realistically, they'd be stuck at home making laws and throwing balls and ordering their underlings around?

I don't have to have them out in the middle of an unexlored jungle in order to have a plot, I know that. GotG took place almost entirely within a single city. But I'm trying to come up with another plot that can happen with them pretty much staying within the city, and I just can't. I'm totally clueless, and that's frustrating beyond belief. The only thing I can think of is more political intrigue stuff, but that's what GotG's main conflict was about, and I don't want them to be too similar. I need a new conflict.

[sigh]

I think I'm gonna go thunk my head on the desk some more. . .

2002-08-27T23:27:00.000-07:00

Didn't do much of anything today. I'm enjoying being finished. :)